Random thoughts and the fasting month

While waiting for my finishing high-school exams (SPM; something like O-levels), I stayed home, learned to cook (particularly for my brother who at that time recently started working in JB), cleaned, did laundry (ironing clothes particularly for my dear brother..huhuh..), learned to drive and basically just being an unpaid housekeeper; which I don’t really mind. I did feel like looking for a job but my dad was not too keen on the idea. So, for about 5 months, I was at home almost all the time (I miss home!!!Huhuhu...). During that time, I had one of the biggest fights with my mum. Growing up, I didn’t really remember much of her playing her role as a mum. Maybe because I was always with my aunty (my mum’s younger sister) that lived with us since I could remember, and there was also my late Granma and Grandpa. But when my Grandpa died, my aunty got married and my Granma decided to move out of our house, my mum was taking care of the household. By then, I was in my teens. Whenever I come home from boarding school and help out with the chores or did what mum asked me to do, nothing I did was ever good enough for her. Everything I did was wrong and that I should have done better. I guess the occasional telling-me-off by my mum was bearable but when I was faced with it 24/7, I broke down. I couldn’t really remember what actually happened (selective memory?!) but I could tell you, it was a big DRAMA! Started with an argument that went on and on; then we both cried and I ended up not coming out of my room for almost 2 days. What happened next? I couldn’t remember either but being my mum, she’d probably acted as if nothing had happened and I’d just forget about it. The thing is with my mum and maybe the whole of my family, we lack in comforting skills towards each other (I think! But we are getting better! Heh..); especially using words. Communication problems? Maybe. I know I’m not good in handling confrontations and still have some communication issues especially with people I love the most. We might show it more with our actions (I know, action speaks louder than words) but sometimes a simple Sorry or I love you is all that is needed; for me at least. I guess I have to forgive and forget and not take anything my mum said or did personally because she is after all my mum. And also, she has bipolar disorder. Initially, she was diagnosed as a Schizophrenic but about 4 years ago, the doctors said its bipolar disorder. So yeah, that’s a whole different story altogether. Have I accepted this fact and know how to deal with it? Getting there.

Yesterday my mum called from Bali (she’s staying with my sister, Yan for 2 weeks). She asked me if we’re coming home for Eid. (I really wish we are!) I told her it’s unlikely that we’re coming home as baby Aariz hasn’t got his passport and we need to go to Canberra to get it done (No, we can’t apply by post anymore. The Malaysian High Commissioner in Canberra wouldn’t accept it.). Ultimately, it’s all about the money. *Sigh* Flight tickets to Canberra, application fees, flight tickets home; we are barely making it at the moment with what we have. No luck yet with Mr. Hubby getting a job. Our savings pretty much gone, and we have no idea how to sustain the things we have back home. It’s not much but we just don’t have it. But we’re still being positive, hopeful and dreaming that one morning when we wake up, we have thousands of dollars in our bank accounts!!! (If not both, at least one of us. Heh!) And, the money’s legit!! Haha!

Anyways, today is the start of Ramadhan; the fasting month. Woohooo! I’ve always loved Ramadhan and hopefully will always do. Although this year, I’m a bit worried about breastfeeding a 6-week-old baby boy and fasting for 12 hours. Really hoping I’m up for it, InshaAllah. Oh yeah, the baby boy; he’s doing very well. He’s now weighing at 5.1kg and he’s 57cm long (or is it tall?), started to smile and making lots of cute noises. Hhmmm... I need to blog more, eh??!!! Huhuhu.. Aariz’s basically what keeps me going everyday and Mr. Hubby too. Mr. Hubby’s getting pretty frustrated and a little bit depressed. I feel bad and somewhat responsible for him but there’s not much I could really do. I just keep praying hard and try to be there for him. Luckily there’s Aariz that would make Mr. Hubby smile and laugh anytime of the day. I really need to keep in mind that we are still very blessed in many ways. Alhamdulillah.. Time for Subuh prayers now.

Ramadan Mubarak!

Cheers!

PS: Have I had an entry on Bipolar disorder?