When happily ever after seemed like a lie...

At the age of 25, with a MSc degree in hand, having a stable job, steady income and engaged to be married, everything seemed to be going very well for me. Little do I know, my tiny little happy world was starting to fall apart. I kinda loved my job then. Working with the wildlife and being in the wild for weeks was very new to me but it was very intriguing. I did get bored with the endless meetings and proposal writings in between, but I was enjoying myself very much.

Having taken the job offer then meant that I had to be apart from my then, fiance. He was not happy at all but he didn't stopped me from taking the job offer. He said it was up to me (I later learned that 'up to me' means NO!). He was a very jealous type of guy and me working in a male dominated environment did not help at all. Long story short; after 3 years of dating and a year of being engaged, we broke off. Surprisingly, I was the one who broke it off. Being left not knowing what our relationship has become for more than 6 months just gets to me. I gave up. He was caught cheating with another girl but I still want him to explain himself. I want to give him a chance. If he had offered me any kind of logical explanation, I know I would have just forgive and forget even if he had lied to me. But he didn't answer my call or reply my text messages. I still remember the night I burst out crying to my sister, Kak Long telling her what had happened. She must be shocked to see one of her bubbly-always laughing-sister break into pieces as I could still remember her surprised-not-in-a-good-way-face. And after my own father asked me what's going on, I know I have to decide. I still loved my then fiance and I still wanted to be with him after all that happened but the Almighty knows best. In the end, it was not meant to be.

Going through a break up is not easy. I personally lost all hope of finding happiness and lost all self-esteem as a woman. I hated myself, cried till my tears dried up, blaming myself for everything, always trying to be alone and just struggling to live. As my family isn't the type that confronts each other that much, we didn't really talked about what happened to me. A broken wedding engagement, it was the first in the family. I kept most of my feelings to myself. Putting on the mask of the cheerful, happy and no worries face of Wa,when I'm around people and cry myself to bed when I couldn't take it anymore. I was lucky though, I had Him. God is great and with time I learned to love again. But this time, I learned to love myself first and foremost. Learning to love myself was definitely a crazy journey. I did some pretty crazy stuff along the way that I wished I didn't do but at the same time, everything that happened lead me to my Mr. Hubby. Now, we are both learning to live and love, together. Alhamdulillah.

I received an unexpectedly sad news yesterday. I almost cried when I heard the news. It reminded me of what I went through 4 years ago, and the thought of my friend having to go through it too, is just heartbreaking. Nonetheless, I also know she'll be stronger and she's going to be a better person. She'll also find a greater love and more happiness in the future, InshaAllah. My prayers and love are always with her, and everyone who feels like there won't be a happily ever after for her/him. 

Everything that happened, happens for a reason.

"Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. Ia mendapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan ia mendapat siksa (dari kejahatan) yang dikerjakannya. (Mereka berdoa): "Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami jika kami lupa atau kami tersalah. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami beban yang berat sebagaimana Engkau bebankan kepada orang-orang sebelum kami. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang tak sanggup kami memikulnya. Beri ma'aflah kami; ampunilah kami; dan rahmatilah kami. Engkaulah Penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir." Al-Baqarah: 286

Cheers!