~ confessions of a lonely soul ~

Once upon a time, I was a child. I couldn't really remember exactly how I was acting or what I did. But according to my family, I was a spoilt child. Until my parents had my little sister, that is. I was the youngest for about 5 years and everything was about me. My older sister and cousin told me that they felt I was so annoying that they rarely wanted to play with me. I vaguely remember I had pretty messy and dramatic hair-pulling girl fights (that needed my aunties and late grandma to tear us apart) with my sister, Yan. Apart from that, I couldn't really remember those days. I've heard heaps of stories of how I would cry and shout until I get what I want and I would ask my dad for piggy-back rides because I was too tired to walk. I was really fat. So, my dad must have really loved me! Huhuhu...

Once upon a time, I was a kid. I was probably in primary school and what I could remember the most was playing with the boys. Growing up, there was a huge age gap between me and my brothers and sisters. I ended up spending a lot of my time with my cousins. They were all boys. I remember being the only girl whilst playing war games, reading comics, kicking each others feet and probably joining in some friendly wrestling match. Aahhhh... Those were the days. I also remembered that I had a lot of fun. I guess in some ways, this part of growing up made me a little bit boyish as I grew older.

Once upon a time, I was a teen. I was in a boarding school since I was 13 till 17 years of age. This stage of my life, I think was so colourful and a bit complicated. I have learned lots of things the hard way and I have learned the meaning of inferiority complex. In short, I was a loner and usually doing my own thing. Yes, I do get along well with almost everyone and eventhough I wasn't in the best class or among the popular groupies, everything seemed to be going alright for me. All I can say is that I don't really want to go back and do it all over again, but the one thing I would like to remember and have always cherish the most during my high school days would be my love for the school marching band. That kept me going through the craziness of being a teen in an all-girls high school.

Once upon a time, I was a young adult. Getting in Uni and the smell of freedom. Well, not entirely free but later curfews, no uniforms, vast places and things to explore and the list goes on. I had my own car (sounds great but it wasn't really what I had in mind at that time - had my first car crash!), had my first time renting out and living on my own, I had my first 'serious' boyfriend, enjoyed late night hangouts with friends and adventurous road trips. The one trip I'd always love is camping at the beach. I couldn't really remember the exact day and time, but I know it was during two of my dear friends' lovey-dovey courting days (now married with 2 kids...). It was probably during one of the many public holidays of celebrating something. New Year's? Merdeka? Oh well, we had a BBQ, enjoyed each others company and watched the stars as we fell asleep. It was a really simple outing yet I enjoyed it so much. There and then, I have learned that you don't need fancy parties and go on expensive trips to have a great time.

Once upon a time, I became an adult. Whoa! How did this happened?! Hahaha! Although I am still very much young at heart (Heh..), the nature of growing up and the society gets to decide what's in store for me next. However, I believe I am where I am now because it's what God planned for me. And probably what I've always wanted subconsciously, deep in my heart. We would like to think what we want is the best thing for us and would make us happy and satisfied. I have learned it probably is not but if you get it anyways, it won't necessarily make you fully happy and satisfied, rather it makes you stronger and more appreciative.

Not knowing what I want in life has always been a topic of discussion for me and my sister. Before she got married, we always have this deep meaningful conversations on life that will always never end (we usually just fell asleep). And now, I am truly happy for her for I see how happy she is, especially after having her own baby. It seems that now she knows what she truly wants in her life. And me? I haven't had much time to think about it now. What do I want in life? I guess, I have learned to not think so much and over-analyze life itself. As one saying goes; "You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of, and You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

Cheers!